Parenting lessons not just for parents

In honor of the impending arrival of mother’s day, I’d like to talk about parenting lessons I’ve learned that help me do my job:

• Pay attention – a mom of a toddler knows better than anyone how ominous silence is.  A sales manager knows the same thing.  Engage, engage, engage.

• Be sincere and specific with praise – “That’s a pretty painting,” is nowhere near as ego-boosting as, “I love the way your trees look like they’re reaching for the sun.”  Likewise, “Great job” won’t go as far in encouraging future success as, “The way you got the team engaged and cooperating really made an impact.” And remember to look for things to praise.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is when you try.

• Use criticism constructively – “You suck” rarely inspires anyone to improve.  No matter who you’re talking to, try this three step process for constructive criticism:

1. Be specific
2. Reinforce successful behavior
3. Offer a suggestion for correction

• Be precise and literal – when you tell little kids to wash their hands, what you really have to say is, “get your hands wet, rub them together with soap for at least 20 seconds, then rinse with running water.”  And when telling salespeople to follow up, you have to explain how that goes:  “call your customer and find out how their deployment went, what their obstacles and successes were and what you can do for them next.”  Sure, sarcasm is fun, but it's not always appropriate.

• Transparency – for kids, “I know it’s boring to wait.  After the car is fixed we’ll be able to go to the park.”  For staff, “I know you’re frustrated with the new policy.  The fact is that it’s going to take some getting used to.  The transition will be a lot easier if we all pull together.” Note the short, direct sentences.

• Conversely, don’t give more information than is necessary. Your kids don’t need to know that you can’t afford a new car right now. Just like your staff doesn’t need to know how you feel about the new policy – their buy-in depends on your buy-in.

• Give them a choice but not control – make sure the choices are acceptable to you.  Ask your kids if they’d rather brush their teeth before or after you read a story.  Ask your team what time of day is best for an account review.

• Be patient – it’s a scientific fact that children need to be told something approximately one gazillion times before it sinks in (ask any parent who has stepped on a Lego how many times they’ve told their kids to pick up the Legos).  Whether it’s at home or at work, making mistakes is how we learn. 

• Don’t lose your temper – emotions cloud our judgment, which is simply not productive and can lead to serious mistakes.  If you’re volatile, your kids will be afraid at first, then they won’t take your outbursts seriously, and eventually they will be resentful.  That’s the same path your co-workers will take if you lose control in the office.  Keep in mind, getting angry isn’t the same thing as losing your temper, but you’ll get no respect if you’re unpredictable and unreasonable.

• Be flexible and make room for individuality - I’ve got some pretty strong anecdotal evidence that my kids’ personalities were set in utero.  You can’t force your kids to react the way you want them to, any more than you can your co-workers.  Not everyone is going to think the same way or at the same speed as you.

• Don’t expect perfection – as either a parent or a manager. And it’s just as important to allow yourself room for mistakes as it is to let those in your care learn lessons the hard way.  No one learns how to ride a bike without falling down once or twice.

• Trust – you set firm boundaries and teach your kids that there are consequences for breaking rules.  At work, policies need to be established, communicated, and consistent.  Then it’s their turn to do what they need to do within those boundaries and policies.  Letting go is hard on both fronts. 

You have to steer them through the tough stuff – from peer pressure, to rejection, to growing pains.  It’s up to you to guide all of them to be strong, to be resilient, and to reach their potential.